


you don't know how to be (who you are)

by bokutoma



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Sexuality Crisis, accepting sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28246821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bokutoma/pseuds/bokutoma
Summary: kanji comes to terms with who he is - or tries to, anyway
Relationships: Kujikawa Rise & Tatsumi Kanji, Narukami Yu & Tatsumi Kanji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	you don't know how to be (who you are)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beastprince](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beastprince/gifts).



> merry christmas, rayby! <333333333

It starts as a fit of melancholy, sadness and irritation sweeping over him in crushing tidal waves. Predictably, Kanji channels that irritation into something rawer, something that he can pretend is for a good cause, something manly. As much as he worries that one day, he'll manage to shatter his hands so thoroughly that he'll never be able to pick up a needle again, he wonders if that might be what's best for him after all.

He's a bastard, he knows, worrying his mother like this, but he can't seem to stop. Even in Inaba, there's no shortage of assholes who need to be taught a lesson.

There is something freeing about contact with a man without his head to get in the way.

Of course, this can't last forever. He's already been labeled a delinquent and a good-for-nothing, and as he gets older, the immunity of youth fades. Soon, he knows, he'll be arrested for all this blood and noise.

It might even be for something he didn't even do.

Wouldn't that just be grand?

* * *

Okay, _fine._ Kanji Tatsumi is gay.

This is not the way he'd wanted it to come out - mostly because he'd hoped he could bury it until he died. Still, being tossed into a goddamn television and wandering a bathhouse while a _thing_ with his _face_ played a caricature of his most secret self hadn't exactly been method number one.

He wonders if anyone is watching this shit pour from his double's mouth, wonders if anyone believes it. It likely doesn't matter; he knows there are people who remember the kid he used to be, and this exaggerated mockery will serve as all the proof they need that he has not changed a bit.

Shame burns low in his stomach, and even if this damn fog weren't blackening the edges of his vision, he would be praying for a god that could wipe this hell away.

If someone rescues him (How could they? Why would they?), he's not certain he would accept their help.

* * *

The only explanation for this is that Kanji really is dying.

No level of pleading or threatening had been enough to get this capricious doppelganger to let up, and with each passing moment, squirming, twisting facsimiles of flesh had pressed closer through the fog.

He had been dead in all but name, and in some numb corner of his mind, he had been grateful for certainty in this, at the very least.

Regardless of his wishes, though, there is a batshit group of four teenagers who are going to town on this demonic specter of his, slashing at it with knives and fans, fists and swords.

Leading the charge, though, is the most beautiful guy Kanji has ever seen.

His Shadow feels it, the longing that wraps through his chest like thorny vines and squeezes until his heart seems fit to burst, and it laughs and laughs and laughs until the guy at their leader's side makes some snarky comment or another.

God, is there no privacy in his life?

Still, that damned insurmountable demon of his falls, and even if he can't quite bring himself to admit the full truth, his Shadow takes the admission for what it is and accepts it anyway. He is grateful for this; he doubts he could have admitted it in front of this boy with the gunmetal gray eyes.

Still, as his own eyes flutter shut from exhaustion, he sees the face of the boy they called Yosuke twist up into something like a scowl, and the leader's face shows nothing at all.

* * *

The problem with having a crush on Yu Narukami is that he almost certainly isn't gay.

Not that having a crush on anybody would turn out particularly well for Kanji, but his leader? When he's not befriending the entire female population of Yasogami High, he's spending time with Yosuke. Even if Kanji's gaydar (God, he hates calling it that) weren't going off like crazy at the snide - if relatively well-meaning - co-leader of their investigation team, it wouldn't take a genius to see that he hoards Yu's time like it's gold.

Not that Kanji would be much better if he had the balls to do it himself, but that's beside the point.

Either way, this investigation team only serves to nurture these feelings, and it's tearing him to shreds.

His only saving grace is Rise. It's a funny thing to admit, her being who she is, but she's seen just about everything in her time as an idol, and even if she's not really interested in knowing his secrets, there's a level of acceptance there that he's never had to ask for. Even when she's just talking about whatever small troubles she's managed to involve herself in, he really enjoys talking to her.

She knows he's gay; how can she not, when they've both caught each other staring at Yu like lovesick puppies? Despite that, she's never said a word to him or anyone else, and it's in this way that he knows she can be trusted.

A delinquent and an idol... In other circumstances, they could have made a great couple. Maybe that's why they get along so well.

Still, even with her silent support, Kanji feels himself sinking deeper and deeper into this melancholy obsession, one he's not sure how he'll be able to shake off even after Yu leaves in the spring.

Outside the classroom door, Kanji can see Yu walk by, probably delivering some note or another on behalf of one of his clubs. Yu catches his eye through the small window and offers him a casual salute, and Kanji can feel his face getting redder by the second.

"Yo, Tatsumi, is your girlfriend out there or something?"

The question is asked by the kid next to him, some loudmouth Kanji can't quite remember the name of. He summons the full force of his patented glare and hopes it scorches the bastard to death. It's not him, not fully, anyway, but he's grateful for the way the kid goes pale at the sight. "The fuck? Why would you wanna know?"

"Just making conversation, man. Sorry." His classmate goes back to work, though, and for the moment, Kanji is safe.

Why doesn't he feel that way?

It's a ticking time bomb, this tightening of his chest, and when school finally lets out for the day, he's a man on a mission, banging the door of the first-floor bathroom open and sending stragglers scrambling out of his way.

Once he's certain he's finally alone, that tension finally gives way to gasping breaths and choked-off cries, anxiety thrumming in his veins like poison, and were it not for his promise to stay out of trouble, he would stay in here for as long as it took to be purged of it. As it is, the only people who are left are either in a club or causing problems of their own, so it's time for him to sneak out while he still can.

Tomorrow, he'll rinse and repeat, and if there is any fortune left in the world for him, he will be rid of these feelings when Yu leaves.

Something tells him that he's shit out of luck on that one, though.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @kingblaiddyd


End file.
